Another vent...

I hate that my pediatrician is helpful but not proactive. He will give me the tests I request but nothing more. Aren’t you supposed to be the one who knows what to do, I don’t know what tests would be most beneficial, I don’t know what all her symptoms could add up to. You are supposed to know or figure it out, please stop leaving it up to me.

So again with the hurry up and wait I seem to be experiencing on a daily basis now. She's on another waiting list for an MRI, EEG and some metabolic testing- yeah, bring on the blood work again because it didn’t traumatize her enough the first time! Don't get me wrong, I am all for these tests being done, heck I asked for them, I just wish I could explain them to her so she wouldn’t be scared or in pain. One of the hardest things is to see her screaming and looking at me with pleading eyes as I hold her down and someone pokes and prods at her. If I could change places with her, lose my ability to speak and have sensory issues so that she could go back to being a happy, carefree, ‘normal’ little girl, I would do it in a heartbeat. no questions asked!

I don't know what to do. the internet, in its vastness, seems so limited. or maybe my googling abilities are limited- either way, I want answers, I want clues, I want....something. I want Cam to stop saying ‘by the time she gets into one of those programs she is on the wait list for she will be talking, so what are you worried about’ or ‘you’re so neurotic, you just want to diagnose her with something, theres nothing wrong with her’.

Sometimes I don't think we are living in the same world, let alone house.I don’t think he hears or sees the same little girl I do. I don't think he gets- or wants to get- the situation we have been put in. I know he gets frustrated with her and the constant screaming, scratching and biting but he really cant be naive enough to think that given a few more months she will start to talk on her own and start behaving- can he?

some more venting...

We drove up to Red Deer for our two day developmental diagnostic clinic. we spent hours answering questions, feeling at times like I didn’t know my daughter at all because I couldn’t answer one or two, but then again I am pregnant and have no brain anymore. I feel like Melia didn’t show them the real her. She was so tired from not napping yet she preformed like a champion. She didn’t try to bite or scratch or scream her lungs out. All I can say is I’m glad these guys know what they are doing and can see past the little show she has put on for them. They tell us she is baffling them. what? Because of some things she does or doesn’t do she should be labeled Autistic. Yet, because of other things she does or doesn’t do they can’t and won’t label her that because she’s not.

So she's not autistic, now what? you would think that finding out she didn't have autism would bring me comfort, but in a strange way it doesn’t.

At least Autism would explain a lot more than the Sensory Regulatory Disorder with Hypersensitive/cautious- fearful and sensory seeking.... I cant even remember the long winded diagnosis right now. Plus add in her severe cognitive delay, which on paper makes her look like she should be drooling while flipping through a phonebook all day long. But in reality she really is a very smart girl.

And then, the doctors have no clue on her regression of speech. Great! So that is still at square one, and that is exactly the thing that got me worried in the first place- and the thing that frightens and frustrates me most, and I know it frustrates Melia too! At this point I ask her pediatrician about brain scans and tests that we could see if there is anything in her brain. I almost pray that there is a small, non-cancerous removable tumor that when they do a very simple surgery she will go back to where she was before. But part of me knows that would be too easy.

confession...

Okay, so i know i blogged about doing my Jillian workout and getting in shape. Well, Ive failed at it....well no, not failed, just delayed my success.
Ive realized that I'm alone and my life is just not really conducive to me working out on a regular basis- no, this doesn't mean I'm not going to, i really will try but between children who don't nap at the same time and Owen who doesn't sleep through the night yet (Ive tried to teach him, but he hasn't even doubled his birth weight yet so the doctor told me not to do it unless he does it on his own) I'm tired. I tried getting up early but I like my sleep too much in the morning and at night my house is boiling hot and I'm exhausted. Yes, these are excuses but i am doing the best I can with what I've been handed. Come September when Melia is in school i am planning on working out in the mornings when i can put Owen in the gym daycare and i can actually have a pattern to my life. but now, i will try to work out but i cant promise that i will be crazy like Jillian would need me to be!!

What do you do with all your free time...

I found this article on another blog and just had to repost it... so true!!

click to enlarge

Something Wicked....

Last night I went to Wicked with the ladies from Cam's family (Lindamom, Tiffani, Whitney, Miranda- and Megan, Tiff's SIL)
It was AHHHH-MAAAZZZIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGG! totally worth the expensive tickets!! We sat in row F, and I so want to go again. I have been humming the songs all day- especially Defying gravity (of course) and Popular. Such fun songs.

vents continued...

Last sunday in church a little girl and her dad came over to talk with us. she had just turned 18 months old and when her dad told her to say hi, she did. When he asked her to say how are you, she copied him like a little parrot. ‘i like nursery’ ‘ hi friend’ and the most heart wrenching of all ‘ i love you’.
This is by far THE hardest thing to hear other kids say because one of my biggest fears is never hearing Melia say those three words to me. I dream about it. I pray for it. I wonder what it will sound like and feel like. I wonder where and when it will happen, or if it ever will happen. Will I cry, laugh or both? So, it makes me sad, even though I am sure their parents beam and cherish those words whole heartedly, I wonder how much more it would mean if they thought they might never get to hear it again?
So back to this dad and his precious girl, I just feel like he was unintentionally shoving it in my face. I know he wasn’t. At this point not many people know of our struggles but sometimes i feel like its just not fair.

I feel like I am stuck on an island with Melia that no one can get to and they don’t understand what its like to be trapped and they all just say, ‘wait a bit, she’s bound to figure it out, she's young. she will get you off the island if you just give her time’. well, she's two and she can’t figure it out, she's just waiting for her mom to do it and I cant because I am totally and utterly lost.

I feel like my eyes should be empty. I’ve cried enough for a lifetime in the last few months, yet still they come.

My Venting...

Okay, so my friend was going through Invitro because she has a hard time getting pregnant and she would write down thoughts and rants that she had as she was waiting in the doctors office or just as she felt she needed to vent, I have been doing the same in a sense for a while and have a whole bunch. I thought over the next while I might randomly post them. Mind you this all started about a year ago so the first ones will be past feelings etc. and they will get more current as they go.

So heres the first one....


I used to want eight kids, but now, so close to bringing number two into the world i find myself thinking at times ‘is it too late to only have one?’ Don’t get me wrong, I am so very excited for this new little person to join our family, I’m just scared at the thought of how I am going to survive.
Right now I feel like I am in no mans land. I’m only a few weeks away from taking my baby girl, who is not so much a baby anymore, to be assessed for autism. I’ve done the preliminary, mandatory, hearing tests, blood work and pediatric appointments- all that gave me no answers, no suggestions or clues on how i can get my two year old to talk again and stop beating the crap out of me on a daily basis.

part of me wants so badly for her to be autistic, or have Aspergers so that there can be a name, a diagnosis, something to blame for why she acts the way she does. The other part of me is just praying and hoping that my perfect little angel is just delayed or stubborn and that any day will snap out of this stage and speak in full sentences. We sometimes joke that one day she will just start saying “mother, stop patronizing me”. But I am pretty sure that that won’t happen.

Goals...

So I bought this DVD and my new goal is to do it everyday, well except maybe Sundays. Though you are supposed to do it for 30 days straight.... Sunday I believe should be a day of rest, and this will be much needed I think!!!

It' a 20 minute workout, everyday. I did it this morning and realized just how out of shape I have gotten since I got pregnant with Owen. Well, that is going to change or I will die trying- and I just might! haha! So hopefully by August 11th (maybe I'll count it as a birthday present to my sister) I should be down 20 lbs? thats what the front of the DVD says, but in any case, down some weight and looking gooder! I know thats not a word but I like it!
So I just measured myself....and in the interest of full disclosure and motivation I think I just might post those terrifying numbers. EEK!



I will continue to post my progress as the 30 days go on. Maybe every monday? or every 10 days? Not sure but I will. More to keep me going and accountable than for praise or anything. My reward will be looking and feeling good- though I'm thinking I may have to get up at 5 am to do this and so I may look good but be extremely tired! haha!

This is the life...

This weekend I was lucky enough to go to Montana at Ashley Lake with my friend Val and our babies... not our toddlers, they stayed with their dads so it was just the 4 of us. and it was nice!
We did lots of shopping on Friday, lots of sun tanning and reading on Saturday and well, packed up and went home on Sunday. It was wonderful. We are hoping to go next year without any children! That will be heaven, even though our little babies were such troopers for the 6+ hour car ride and all the shopping, it will be awesome to be able to sleep in and not have to stop to change diapers and feed kids every few hours!



Also, on Saturday, Owen turned 6 months old!! I cant believe it, he is getting so big, way too quick.
He can sit up by himself for a little while, im sure soon he wont need pillows surrounding him. He scoots backwards a little. He loves food! he had some carrots this weekend and loved them...I love this smiley boy sooo much!!!

As requested...

Here is the matching skirt. Sorry about the nudity :P

Owens Blessing

On Sunday June 19th (Fathers day) Owen was blessed in our church. He was so good and didn't cry or anything!
I made Melia a skirt with a matching bow tie for Owen. They turned out quite cute (and they were super easy!)



Melia loves her brother- a little TOO much!

Fun Run

Yesterday, Sherilyn and I along with Owen, Melia and Beckett did Cindy Ady's Fun Run. It was a 5k that is supposed to promote getting active in Alberta. Turns out it was actually 6.2k and although I walked most of it... pushing a stroller with my two kids in it which probably was an extra fifty pounds really tuckered me out- I still ran parts and we finished in just over an hour. AND we weren't last!!!! woot woot!

anyways, today I am exhausted and kind of sore, but I want to continue. I would love to become a runner one day and I really want to dothis 5k in August. Anyone wanna join me?

Sherilyn and I were also featured on the 6:00 news last night. pretty cool! The global website hasn't updated yet so if I remember and find it I will upload it, not that it's anything special but maybe a little blogworthy?

Let's hope I can keep this up!

edit: heres the link (Thanks Sherilyn) video it starts around 6:08

My Sunshine...

Yesterday my little man turned five months old! I can't believe it has gone so fast... I cant believe I haven't taken a thousand pictures of him by now, like i had with Melia... i guess that's the curse of the second child- especially when the first takes so much time and effort.
Owen is wonderful, he is so smiley and whenever he sees me he gives me the biggest grins! He laughs and giggles and loves his sister... especially from a distance since she tends to love him back really hard sometimes!
He is rolling from his back to his tummy and a few accidentally the other way. He loves to talk and sleep in moms bed (but only from 5:30 on when I feed him- i am not a fan of co-sleeping, I just need my sleep!!) oh, and he loves to sleep in!! Melia was such an early bird- and still is, that I don't know what to do when he sleeps in until 9 or 10 am!!
he is teething, so we might get some teeth soon, and he definitely wants food. I think I may have to give him some soon.

All in all, I love this little boy and couldn't have asked for a better baby to come into our family at this time!
Owen is my sunshine, my little sunshine. He makes me happy when skies are grey!!

Thankful...

I've been a little scared lately. Melia seems to still be regressing. She used to know all her body parts and when asked could point to, wiggle or grab at pretty much anything I asked of her. Lately, she hasn't done it when I asked. I can't tell if its the Topamax she's on that has the potential to lower her cognitive abilities... like we need that to be any lower than it already is! or if it's a regression. My dad gave her a blessing tonight and it did lessen my fears, but I don't know what to do anymore.... man I love the power of the priesthood!

On another note, I bore my testimony in Relief Society today- I haven't done that in about 2 or 3 years, I really hate speaking in public, but my chest was burning and my heart was pounding and I knew I had to get up and bear it. Also I knew I needed to thank all the wonderful women in my ward who have been taking care of me... I also want to thank all my friends and family members right now for EVERYTHING you have done and do for me, even if its just a prayer every now and then. I love you all!

So I don't want my blog to be depressing... I know there will be many a post about sad things but I want to be happy and I want to share my happy not just my trials.
So for my birthday my fabulous mother organized a makeover for my office... to say it was dingy and well, gross, is an understatement. So on Friday we painted (along with some help from a friend) and on saturday we moved furniture around until we were blue in the face (thanks Sherilyn)- side note as I was typing I actually wrote bloo and sat there for a minute really trying to figure out why it looked wrong...baby brain!- anyways, its not quite done yet but I LOVE it! I will post pics soon, but I am still figuring out where to hang things on my walls and a bit more organizational stuff, but I am so in love with how it turned out. and will definitely be happier about spending time in here!!

well, the little man is calling and so is my pillow.

ps. I love my parents!!!!!!

how do i love thee...

Pintrest is my new love! holy smokes it is so easy to get lost in the heaps of pictures from around the world in every subject. I feel like i can find anything... if you haven't checked it out-do it. DO IT NOW! i guess its by invite only so if you want one let me know and ill send one your way. but it is seriously awesome!

Some days...

Lately I have been happy. Despite all the 'fun' changes in my life, I have been relatively happy.. or I guess content is more accurate. But, then there are days like today where I start missing things and feel kinda lonely.

I miss having a husband. It's hard to do this by myself, and I will do it and be fine, I know that. But i just miss having that man in my life who loves me and I can lean on and who helps share the load.

I miss the girl Melia used to be. I was looking through some photos of Melia that were taken right before her regression started and I miss her. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter immensely just the way she is but the little girl I had a year and a half ago was just so precious to me and I miss her.

I miss my house in Strathmore. I don't miss the commute or being 45 minutes away from my wonderful parents but I miss the house. It was little, and probably too little for my little family right now unless I renovated the basement but it was mine! I wasn't sharing it with Jodi and it didn't squeak and creak and the lawn wasn't lumpy and gross.

I miss being skinny- well, skinnier than I am right now. I want to get back to the size I was when I got pregnant, and I will, but I feel like with my life crashing down around me it has put a serious wrench in my workout/exercise plans.

Hope I didn't bum you out. If anyone still reads this since I am so bad at posting!

What doesn't kill you...

Only makes you stronger. right? Well then I must be a body builder because I'm not dead yet!



I've been wanting to make this for a long time. It's a bunch of baking/cooking words that I love. One day I want it really big and maybe on canvas to put in my kitchen but for now, with limited wall space, this makes me happy. It's also the first thing we have hung on our walls since moving here over a year ago... I think it took longer for us to hang stuff in Strathmore so I'm getting better. This is what the file looks like.


Here is Melia's most recent visit to Santa. I can't tell who is more unimpressed!!


well, here's hoping I can actually get part of christmas together because the way its looking and the way I'm feeling I just don't see much happening! Maybe if I pray real hard, this little man will make his appearance soon. I've told him he needs to come on the 17th- so he's got 2 days! ha! If only it were that easy~

When you're troubled and you can't sleep...

So one of the movies I grew up watching at Christmas time is White Christmas with Bing Crosby. I love old musicals. I remember having girls nights with my mom and sister with bowls of oreos and other treats and we would watch Singing in the rain, South Pacific, The king and I, and all those wonderful classics and I still love them to this day!

But I digress! Back to White Christmas... lately I have had many prayers answered. Sometimes not as quickly as I would like them and sometimes they have been answered in the most unexpected ways. But lately, almost everything I have prayed for has been answered for me!

The other night I was laying awake thinking about all the stress that has come into my life and all the stress that will most likely continue on throughout my life now and this song came into my head... "When you are troubled and you can't sleep, count your blessings instead of sheep. And you'll fall asleep, counting your blessings."



I started to realize that even though there are trials and there are hard times, if we focus on the blessings we have received then hard times will always look brighter. And guess what! That night I had the best sleep I have had in ages!!


The other day I actually finished little mans quilt. Mom and Grandma Pilling came over to entertain Melia and help me with any little issues I had, this being my first quilt and all i had a few. But I can happily say I am pleased with how it turned out and now that I have worked out the kinks I could probably do another one in waaaaaayyyy less time!

heres a little bit of the quilt, I didnt want to have half of it covered up by my ever expanding midsection this time!!


I think I will make some matching burp cloths and maybe even a coordinating receiving blanket with the fabric I have left over.

Well, that's all for today!

soooo tired!

exhausted is more like it! I feel like I could fall asleep anywhere, if only my hips would stop hurting.

See one of the glorious things my mother passed on to me was the gene that adds extra relaxin early on(the hormone that loosens your hips and bones in preparation for labour) to me! When I was pregnant with Melia my hips went out at about 5 months and by 8 months I was crying everyday because they hurt so bad and I couldn't walk. Most days I would limp or crawl around my house to get around but mostly I just sat like a vegetable on my couch, which wasn't much better but at least it didn't hurt as badly.

This time around I can happily say that I am not crying everyday because of the pain, but it sure hurts a lot! This time my hips started going out at 3 months (which scares me if we decide to have another baby) but I think because I was 35 pounds lighter to start and the constant movement that a 2 year old makes you do I have been able to cope with the pain and keep them loose that at least I can still walk- even if sometimes I look like a gimp with a wooden leg. There have only been a few days where I actually have to crawl for a bit before I can work up to walking!


I feel like this guy, only with a 25 pound belly hanging out front!

So why aren't I sleeping right now, while Melia does, you ask? Well, it hurts to sleep and this is the only time I have to move freely about my house without her freaking out when I leave a room or heaven forbid the level without her. This is my laundry, dishes, shower by myself, internet, sewing, cleaning time... believe me if I thought sleep would happen and actually refresh me I would do it, but these other things just seem like a better use of my time.

Lets try this again...

Though I'm sure the almost year of no blogging has no doubt lost me anyone who reads this, except maybe my sister who has me on her google reader, I am going to try to blog again. I can't promise it will be consistent seeing as I am 8 months pregnant and with a new little one things get thrown out of whack but I will try!

This was taken when Melia was about 18 months old. I love her little smile. Just wanted to share it! :)


I am currently starting to have a real interest in sewing. I bought a really, really nice machine and have only used it a few times but I am super excited when I surf thru so many blogs with awesome sewing ideas... it really makes me wish I was a really good sewer- is that how you spell it cuz it looks like the place where sewage goes? I think its right- anyways. I figure it will come in time.
I have a few projects I am (not so) actively working on. The first is a quilt for my little man who I really hope shows up sooner than later. The second is a car seat/stroller/baby bjorn tie on blanket. I saw it on a website my friend showed me and I am going to venture a go at it!!

Here is the laid out fabric for little mans quilt. Yes that is my enormous belly peeking in on the bottom of the photo!!



Well, I think thats all for today. Lets see if I can keep this up, even infrequently!!