Calaway Park...

Yesterday Melia, Owen and I went to Calaway park with my sister in law, Sherilyn and her 3 kids. I was very nervous since last year when we went with all my family I was nearly in tears the whole day. We were just in the thick of Melia's regressing and just starting to think there might be something wrong- but I was definitely still in the 'I must be a bad mom' stage and wondering why my daughter loved to beat me up.

So I really didn't know what to expect and was mentally prepared for Melia to scream, bite, and freak out but I wanted to try since next week we will be going again with all my family again.

This was going to be a trial run of sorts and you know what... It was surprisingly successful!!

I was amazed at how well she did. That does not mean in any way that we did not have freak outs and tears and even a bite first thing that still has yet to fade on my arm!

But it means I didn't cry! I made it through the day and we actually had a good time!

Melia loved the swings

Mckenna was such a wonderful helper

The boys just hanging out in the strollers

Mmmmmmm cotton candy!

some more...

i’m tired.

somedays its all too much. somedays she's too much. somedays I cry all day long. somedays I feel numb. somedays I ask why me. somedays I know why its me.

But everyday, every single day, I am grateful and thank my father in heaven for sending me this beautiful, smart, determined, frustrating, exhausting, wonderful little girl. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.

I've been watching Parenthood. I love that show. I started watching because of the little boy with aspergers before we knew what Melia... I guess, what she didn't have.I just watched this episode where they mentioned that the divorce rate of parents with children who have autism is 80%. I bet that translates to any disability. I keep thinking, I really hope we are in the 20% but there’s a nagging in the pit of my stomach that says that if we are its going to be a hard run. Stress adds a lot of, well, stress to our lives and there is a lot of stress in ours. how redundant is that last sentence! haha. between Melia’s medical issues, my impending birth of baby number two, cams insistence that there is nothing wrong with Melia- even though we have been told by professionals that there is- and having our developmentally delayed roommate acting up I think I have my fair share of stress...if not more.

I’ve had to call mom a few times and tell her to come get Melia. I have been at the end of my rope way too many times lately and knew if she wasn’t removed from me there was a good chance I could hurt her. I’m glad I have support and the sense to be able to call for help. I’d like to think I never would but honestly some days i can not deal with being bitten and scratched and hit and head butted one more time.

Another vent...

I hate that my pediatrician is helpful but not proactive. He will give me the tests I request but nothing more. Aren’t you supposed to be the one who knows what to do, I don’t know what tests would be most beneficial, I don’t know what all her symptoms could add up to. You are supposed to know or figure it out, please stop leaving it up to me.

So again with the hurry up and wait I seem to be experiencing on a daily basis now. She's on another waiting list for an MRI, EEG and some metabolic testing- yeah, bring on the blood work again because it didn’t traumatize her enough the first time! Don't get me wrong, I am all for these tests being done, heck I asked for them, I just wish I could explain them to her so she wouldn’t be scared or in pain. One of the hardest things is to see her screaming and looking at me with pleading eyes as I hold her down and someone pokes and prods at her. If I could change places with her, lose my ability to speak and have sensory issues so that she could go back to being a happy, carefree, ‘normal’ little girl, I would do it in a heartbeat. no questions asked!

I don't know what to do. the internet, in its vastness, seems so limited. or maybe my googling abilities are limited- either way, I want answers, I want clues, I want....something. I want Cam to stop saying ‘by the time she gets into one of those programs she is on the wait list for she will be talking, so what are you worried about’ or ‘you’re so neurotic, you just want to diagnose her with something, theres nothing wrong with her’.

Sometimes I don't think we are living in the same world, let alone house.I don’t think he hears or sees the same little girl I do. I don't think he gets- or wants to get- the situation we have been put in. I know he gets frustrated with her and the constant screaming, scratching and biting but he really cant be naive enough to think that given a few more months she will start to talk on her own and start behaving- can he?

some more venting...

We drove up to Red Deer for our two day developmental diagnostic clinic. we spent hours answering questions, feeling at times like I didn’t know my daughter at all because I couldn’t answer one or two, but then again I am pregnant and have no brain anymore. I feel like Melia didn’t show them the real her. She was so tired from not napping yet she preformed like a champion. She didn’t try to bite or scratch or scream her lungs out. All I can say is I’m glad these guys know what they are doing and can see past the little show she has put on for them. They tell us she is baffling them. what? Because of some things she does or doesn’t do she should be labeled Autistic. Yet, because of other things she does or doesn’t do they can’t and won’t label her that because she’s not.

So she's not autistic, now what? you would think that finding out she didn't have autism would bring me comfort, but in a strange way it doesn’t.

At least Autism would explain a lot more than the Sensory Regulatory Disorder with Hypersensitive/cautious- fearful and sensory seeking.... I cant even remember the long winded diagnosis right now. Plus add in her severe cognitive delay, which on paper makes her look like she should be drooling while flipping through a phonebook all day long. But in reality she really is a very smart girl.

And then, the doctors have no clue on her regression of speech. Great! So that is still at square one, and that is exactly the thing that got me worried in the first place- and the thing that frightens and frustrates me most, and I know it frustrates Melia too! At this point I ask her pediatrician about brain scans and tests that we could see if there is anything in her brain. I almost pray that there is a small, non-cancerous removable tumor that when they do a very simple surgery she will go back to where she was before. But part of me knows that would be too easy.

confession...

Okay, so i know i blogged about doing my Jillian workout and getting in shape. Well, Ive failed at it....well no, not failed, just delayed my success.
Ive realized that I'm alone and my life is just not really conducive to me working out on a regular basis- no, this doesn't mean I'm not going to, i really will try but between children who don't nap at the same time and Owen who doesn't sleep through the night yet (Ive tried to teach him, but he hasn't even doubled his birth weight yet so the doctor told me not to do it unless he does it on his own) I'm tired. I tried getting up early but I like my sleep too much in the morning and at night my house is boiling hot and I'm exhausted. Yes, these are excuses but i am doing the best I can with what I've been handed. Come September when Melia is in school i am planning on working out in the mornings when i can put Owen in the gym daycare and i can actually have a pattern to my life. but now, i will try to work out but i cant promise that i will be crazy like Jillian would need me to be!!

What do you do with all your free time...

I found this article on another blog and just had to repost it... so true!!

click to enlarge

Something Wicked....

Last night I went to Wicked with the ladies from Cam's family (Lindamom, Tiffani, Whitney, Miranda- and Megan, Tiff's SIL)
It was AHHHH-MAAAZZZIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGG! totally worth the expensive tickets!! We sat in row F, and I so want to go again. I have been humming the songs all day- especially Defying gravity (of course) and Popular. Such fun songs.

vents continued...

Last sunday in church a little girl and her dad came over to talk with us. she had just turned 18 months old and when her dad told her to say hi, she did. When he asked her to say how are you, she copied him like a little parrot. ‘i like nursery’ ‘ hi friend’ and the most heart wrenching of all ‘ i love you’.
This is by far THE hardest thing to hear other kids say because one of my biggest fears is never hearing Melia say those three words to me. I dream about it. I pray for it. I wonder what it will sound like and feel like. I wonder where and when it will happen, or if it ever will happen. Will I cry, laugh or both? So, it makes me sad, even though I am sure their parents beam and cherish those words whole heartedly, I wonder how much more it would mean if they thought they might never get to hear it again?
So back to this dad and his precious girl, I just feel like he was unintentionally shoving it in my face. I know he wasn’t. At this point not many people know of our struggles but sometimes i feel like its just not fair.

I feel like I am stuck on an island with Melia that no one can get to and they don’t understand what its like to be trapped and they all just say, ‘wait a bit, she’s bound to figure it out, she's young. she will get you off the island if you just give her time’. well, she's two and she can’t figure it out, she's just waiting for her mom to do it and I cant because I am totally and utterly lost.

I feel like my eyes should be empty. I’ve cried enough for a lifetime in the last few months, yet still they come.

My Venting...

Okay, so my friend was going through Invitro because she has a hard time getting pregnant and she would write down thoughts and rants that she had as she was waiting in the doctors office or just as she felt she needed to vent, I have been doing the same in a sense for a while and have a whole bunch. I thought over the next while I might randomly post them. Mind you this all started about a year ago so the first ones will be past feelings etc. and they will get more current as they go.

So heres the first one....


I used to want eight kids, but now, so close to bringing number two into the world i find myself thinking at times ‘is it too late to only have one?’ Don’t get me wrong, I am so very excited for this new little person to join our family, I’m just scared at the thought of how I am going to survive.
Right now I feel like I am in no mans land. I’m only a few weeks away from taking my baby girl, who is not so much a baby anymore, to be assessed for autism. I’ve done the preliminary, mandatory, hearing tests, blood work and pediatric appointments- all that gave me no answers, no suggestions or clues on how i can get my two year old to talk again and stop beating the crap out of me on a daily basis.

part of me wants so badly for her to be autistic, or have Aspergers so that there can be a name, a diagnosis, something to blame for why she acts the way she does. The other part of me is just praying and hoping that my perfect little angel is just delayed or stubborn and that any day will snap out of this stage and speak in full sentences. We sometimes joke that one day she will just start saying “mother, stop patronizing me”. But I am pretty sure that that won’t happen.

Goals...

So I bought this DVD and my new goal is to do it everyday, well except maybe Sundays. Though you are supposed to do it for 30 days straight.... Sunday I believe should be a day of rest, and this will be much needed I think!!!

It' a 20 minute workout, everyday. I did it this morning and realized just how out of shape I have gotten since I got pregnant with Owen. Well, that is going to change or I will die trying- and I just might! haha! So hopefully by August 11th (maybe I'll count it as a birthday present to my sister) I should be down 20 lbs? thats what the front of the DVD says, but in any case, down some weight and looking gooder! I know thats not a word but I like it!
So I just measured myself....and in the interest of full disclosure and motivation I think I just might post those terrifying numbers. EEK!



I will continue to post my progress as the 30 days go on. Maybe every monday? or every 10 days? Not sure but I will. More to keep me going and accountable than for praise or anything. My reward will be looking and feeling good- though I'm thinking I may have to get up at 5 am to do this and so I may look good but be extremely tired! haha!

This is the life...

This weekend I was lucky enough to go to Montana at Ashley Lake with my friend Val and our babies... not our toddlers, they stayed with their dads so it was just the 4 of us. and it was nice!
We did lots of shopping on Friday, lots of sun tanning and reading on Saturday and well, packed up and went home on Sunday. It was wonderful. We are hoping to go next year without any children! That will be heaven, even though our little babies were such troopers for the 6+ hour car ride and all the shopping, it will be awesome to be able to sleep in and not have to stop to change diapers and feed kids every few hours!



Also, on Saturday, Owen turned 6 months old!! I cant believe it, he is getting so big, way too quick.
He can sit up by himself for a little while, im sure soon he wont need pillows surrounding him. He scoots backwards a little. He loves food! he had some carrots this weekend and loved them...I love this smiley boy sooo much!!!

As requested...

Here is the matching skirt. Sorry about the nudity :P