some more...

i’m tired.

somedays its all too much. somedays she's too much. somedays I cry all day long. somedays I feel numb. somedays I ask why me. somedays I know why its me.

But everyday, every single day, I am grateful and thank my father in heaven for sending me this beautiful, smart, determined, frustrating, exhausting, wonderful little girl. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.

I've been watching Parenthood. I love that show. I started watching because of the little boy with aspergers before we knew what Melia... I guess, what she didn't have.I just watched this episode where they mentioned that the divorce rate of parents with children who have autism is 80%. I bet that translates to any disability. I keep thinking, I really hope we are in the 20% but there’s a nagging in the pit of my stomach that says that if we are its going to be a hard run. Stress adds a lot of, well, stress to our lives and there is a lot of stress in ours. how redundant is that last sentence! haha. between Melia’s medical issues, my impending birth of baby number two, cams insistence that there is nothing wrong with Melia- even though we have been told by professionals that there is- and having our developmentally delayed roommate acting up I think I have my fair share of stress...if not more.

I’ve had to call mom a few times and tell her to come get Melia. I have been at the end of my rope way too many times lately and knew if she wasn’t removed from me there was a good chance I could hurt her. I’m glad I have support and the sense to be able to call for help. I’d like to think I never would but honestly some days i can not deal with being bitten and scratched and hit and head butted one more time.