new address....

alright folks,
I figured since I am getting closer to being single I would change my blog address so hop on over and follow me at:
http://tanisdawn.blogspot.com

...

Breathe, Tanis, just breathe....

Melia's 3rd Birthday...

* So I started writing this post a few days after her party but totally forgot to publish it- oops!*

I can't believe my little girl is 3 years old. I vividly remember bringing her home and seeing my neighbours little girl who up until a few days earlier had looked so little and thought, Melia is so tiny she will never be that big... and now, here she is this big little girl... three years old!!!

On August 6th, the day before her birthday, I threw her a Tangled birthday party. I chose Tangled because... well, she doesn't have an opinion and I know my niece Mckenna loves that movie so if I could just have one little girl give me that wide eyed so excited expression it would all be worth it. Plus, even if Melia doesn't 'get it' she still deserves to have a fun, just like everyone else, birthday party!

the morning before Jolanda and Kaycee came over and helped me make the tower cake. It was the first time any of us had used fondant and I think it turned out pretty dang good... Thanks ladies!!

First we painted on canvases because Rapunzel loves to paint.

Then we played Pin the Frying Pan on Flynn Rider. Melia had to leave the room because she was having a meltdown.

After that we went outside and caught bubbles and played with out chameleon horn blowers... I forgot the chameleons name. O'well.

Then we had cake. The expression on Melia's face when she saw the cake and sparklers made everything worth it! It was priceless and makes me so happy when I see the pictures.

At the end of the party we all went outside and wrote our birthday wishes for Melia on balloons and let them go. I got the idea from another blog I read and decided that was something I as going to start as a tradition in my family as well.

Birthdays are hard. They remind me of the things Melia should be doing and it makes me sad, but this was a good day.

I've been thinking...

lately I have been thinking about throwing myself a little party. Just for me and pity. So I'm going to do it on my blog.
I've been feeling a little... dead inside? Thats not the right term for how I'm feeling but its the only term that comes to mind right now.
I read blogs of friends or strangers and see their pictures of vacations and their daily lives that include their kids and husbands having fun and doing 'normal' things. I hate them. Okay, hate is too strong a word because I really don't- I envy them. I wish I could be teaching Melia to ride a tricycle, or have silly discussions with her about the shapes the clouds are making... anything.
Today I sat in the front room with both of my children. For about a half hour I didn't talk. There was no one talking. I realized, I pretty much have conversations with myself all day every day. I hope Owen learns to talk soon so I can have some sort of reciprocation in the language department.

Alright, pity needs to leave now. These parties always seem like such a good idea until you're in the middle of one. But they really aren't that fun :( Maybe I should try an actual party to get me out of my funk!!

First day...

My little girl is going to school today! I can't believe it!
I wasn't one of the moms who was crying... I don't think I get emotional over things that are positive. I don't cry when they get immunizations or when Melia was going through all her tests, they are for good so they can't be sad...
Today was a good thing too so I didn't cry... I am just so excited for her to learn and thrive at school like I know she will! She did really good on the bus too, and when I went to the school- yes I followed the bus there- and peeked in her classroom she was playing in the sandbox and doing great!

I can't wait to see the progress she makes at Renfrew!!

Prep for Melia's Party...

So I had this idea to make a memory matching game for the take home gift for the guests at Melia's birthday party... aka: her cousins. I knew Sherilyn had made one using cork and pictures of family members but since her party was a Tangled theme I wanted to do one with Rapunzel pictures.

I went to Rona looking for some cork, or small wood squares when I came across the peel and stick laminate tiles... LIGHT BULB! I bought 4 for $0.79 each.

So I went to the Disney Tangled website and picked out some pictures and took screen shots of them. They don't have to be super good quality since the squares will be small.

*to take a screen shot on a mac hold shift, command 4*

then I cropped each photo to a 2x2 square since my tile was 12x12 that meant I could get 36 pictures on each tile. Then, I printed it on heavy weight matte epson paper.

*I pressed the scale to fit button so my final squares were actually a bit smaller than 2x2, next time I wouldn't push that*

I trimmed the excess white area and lined up the photos to see how they would fit on the tile.

Then I peeled back the paper and lined up the pictures with the edge of the tiles and pressed it down.
Then, taking a utility knife and ruler I cut down each column and then cut each individual picture out. It took about 4 cuts to get through the tile.

It took about 4 hours to make 4 sets of the games, though if I were to do it again I bet it would only take about 1.5 hours from finding pictures, printing, sticking and cutting.

and that would be for another set of 4 games, if I were to do just one set I bet it would be about 20 minutes.


This whole project cost me about than $10. $3.50 for the 4 tiles, I already had the matte paper and ink... But I had to buy the utility knife since I didn't have one yet. So if you already have a utility knife and wanted to make 4 sets it would be less than $5!!
Next time I would coat the photo side with modge podge or some sort of durable glaze just to protect the pictures but I ran out of time and energy :)

Here is a printable 8x10 of the photos I used for the game, for each set just print 2 copies of this file and get started on your memory game.

A few make overs...

So a few months ago I started painting this dresser for Owen. It sat in my front room for a looooong time needing just a few coats to finish it and some new hardware but I just didn't have the energy or time... okay, I had the time just not the energy!!

anyways here it is...

I also painted and fixed up this clock

Lake Day...

On Thursday August 4th we had a fun day filled with sun and sand...

The kids building or digging something

Owen Chilling with Grandpa

Melia is the little orange swimmer

Always happy!


Taylor giving Kaycee a foot rub- what a good husband!

One tired little girl!

A Few More Vents....

The first of our three EEGs was only about an hour and Melia screamed the whole time they were putting the probes on her head. It took both cam and I to hold her down. that was hard, because now both of us had to see her pleading, fearful face wondering why we were doing this to her. Then cam held her as she fell asleep in his arms since we had to keep her up until 10 pm the night before and wake her up at 4 am so that she would be sleep deprived for the test. I hope we get some results that will explain something... anything.

a few weeks later i went into labour and many, many hours later little Owen made his appearance. Ten fingers, ten toes, my perfect little boy and part of me aches thinking what if... Melia was just as perfect. What if... I have to stop thinking this way, but it always creeps into my mind that this could happen to him too. if it does, I'm definitely done having children. Late at night while I am feeding him, I cry some more. I’m tired and scared and just keep praying that he will be healthy and maybe, just maybe he can teach Melia to talk while he learns. Wishful thinking I guess.

Melia loves her little brother. maybe too much! she cant stop kissing and hugging him and has completely forgotten about her baby doll that used to go everywhere with her. who needs a doll when you've got a real baby, right. I'm a little afraid that she is going to love him to death one day and so i really can’t leave her alone with him.


We bought Melia a trampoline. it’s a small 5’ around one that is up in her bedroom. Saying she loves to jump would be an understatement. we’ve already had her jump through one crib mattress, literally. springs poking out and broken off. One day she woke up at 5 or 6 am, and jumped until 7 when i got her out and took her downstairs for breakfast. after she was dressed she climbed back up to her room and screamed and cried at the side of her crib until i came up and put her in so she could jump. i came up a few times to bring her down but she wanted to stay and jump. i brought her down for lunch and right after she was headed back up. she jumped again until she fell asleep for her nap then woke up and kept jumping. i got her downstairs for dinner and yet again, right after she wanted to be back in her bed and jumped until about 10 pm that night. She literally jumped for about 12 hours that day. i cant help but think she is going to have amazing legs!!
the trampoline is in my living room now. she loves it. i love it. and owen loves to watch her jump.


we got called into the neurology department to discuss the results from Melia’s EEG. turns out that she has seizure activity in her brain. So...? does that mean she is having seizures or what? My pediatrician said it meant yes, but the neurologist says its the potential for seizures... whatever that means! but they also said they need more testing so we will have to come in for a day long EEG. Great, so with my little newborn I need to spend a minimum of six hours in a little room with Melia hooked up to a machine so she cant move very far and take care of Owen? thank goodness for my grandma who took owen for me so i could focus on Melia and thank goodness i had pumped and had a store of milk in the freezer for him.
so from that test we figured out that what i thought were seizures, staring and unresponsive for about 30 seconds, were in fact not seizures? so when were the seizures happening? I'm so frustrated. and again, no answers.


They are looking into the possibility of Rett syndrome. Not cool. After googling it i got sad again. I don’t like the looks of this disease, yet it seems like it is the best candidate for all her symptoms. “Rett syndrome is a disorder of the nervous system that leads to developmental reversals, especially in the areas of expressive language and hand use.” It is usually only found in girls and can be misdiagnosed as autism or cerebral palsy. That lessened my fears slightly until I read that in very rare cases it has affected boys who either die in utero, as an infant or at the very latest before they are two years old. Please be healthy Owen!
The more i go back and read about Retts the sadder I usually get. Some of her symptoms obviously started around 18 months but some of them are still showing up as she gets older. I really hope she doesn’t lose the use of her hands and legs. My little girl loves to jump and swim and as long as she can do that I know the quality of her life will be good but if she looses that, I don’t know how she will feel already trapped in her head and then her body? It makes me feel helpless and I usually have to stop googling or even thinking about it for a long while so I don’t become over burdened with sadness. I’ve also read that a good number of little girls affected with Rett syndrome will just suddenly die due to seizures, or gastric perforation, heart problems or a few other things. Oh great, another thing to worry about on those rare days that melia sleeps in my brain automatically jumps to- She could be dead in there. I need to stop googling!


new baby. no sleep. no answers. running from appointment to appointment. Turns out I'm in the 80%.

A Long Time Coming...

On Wednesday August 3rd my world changed forever. We got our diagnosis.


Rett Syndrome.



What is Rett Syndrome? (from http://rettsyndrome.org)
Rett syndrome is a unique developmental disorder that is first recognized in infancy and seen almost always in girls, but can be rarely seen in boys.

Rett syndrome has been most often misdiagnosed as autism, cerebral palsy, or non-specific developmental delay

Rett syndrome is caused by mutations on the X chromosome on a gene called MECP2. There are more than 200 different mutations found on the MECP2 gene. Most of these mutations are found in eight different “hot spots.”

Rett syndrome strikes all racial and ethnic groups, and occurs worldwide in 1 of every 10,000 to 23,000 female births.

Rett syndrome is a developmental disorder. It is not a degenerative disorder.

Rett syndrome causes problems in brain function that are responsible for cognitive, sensory, emotional, motor and autonomic function. These can include learning, speech, sensory sensations, mood, movement, breathing, cardiac function, and even chewing, swallowing, and digestion.

Rett syndrome symptoms appear after an early period of apparently normal or near normal development until six to eighteen months of life, when there is a slowing down or stagnation of skills. A period of regression then follows when she loses communication skills and purposeful use of her hands. Soon, stereotyped hand movements such as handwashing, gait disturbances, and slowing of the normal rate of head growth become apparent. Other problems may include seizures and disorganized breathing patterns while she is awake. In the early years, there may be a period of isolation or withdrawal when she is irritable and cries inconsolably. Over time, motor problems may increase, but in general, irritability lessens and eye contact and communication improve.

Rett syndrome is confirmed with a simple blood test to identify the MECP2 mutation. However, since the MECP2 mutation is also seen in other disorders, the presence of the MECP2 mutation in itself is not enough for the diagnosis of Rett syndrome. Diagnosis requires either the presence of the mutation (a molecular diagnosis) or fulfillment of the diagnostic criteria (a clinical diagnosis, based on signs and symptoms that you can observe) or both.

Rett syndrome can present with a wide range of disability ranging from mild to severe. The course and severity of Rett syndrome is determined by the location, type and severity of her mutation and X-inactivation. Therefore, two girls of the same age with the same mutation can appear quite different.

Rett syndrome presents many challenges, but with love, therapy and assistance, those with the syndrome can benefit from school and community activities well into middle age and beyond. They experience a full range of emotions and show their engaging personalities as they take part in social, educational, and recreational activities at home and in the community.

Calaway Park take two...

On Wednesday my whole family was finally in town so we all went (minus Jay and Denver since they were working) to Calaway Park. Grandma Pilling, Jodi, Kathy and Kaewynn also came with us!

It was kind of a gong show day, albeit, a fun gong show day.

We had lots of fun going on rides and visiting. Jolanda surprised us by showing up 5 months pregnant!! I can't believe she kept that from all of us for so long!

Jodi, Kathy. Mckenna and I went on the log ride. Mckenna was quite timid about going on it but when I offered her $1.00 she was all aboard! I doubt I will get her back on any time soon though, she was hanging on for dear life and was quite scared, but I secretly think she had a good time!!

A good time!!

A Little Bit Stronger...

By Sara Evans (love this song!)

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but then I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days,

I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Calaway Park...

Yesterday Melia, Owen and I went to Calaway park with my sister in law, Sherilyn and her 3 kids. I was very nervous since last year when we went with all my family I was nearly in tears the whole day. We were just in the thick of Melia's regressing and just starting to think there might be something wrong- but I was definitely still in the 'I must be a bad mom' stage and wondering why my daughter loved to beat me up.

So I really didn't know what to expect and was mentally prepared for Melia to scream, bite, and freak out but I wanted to try since next week we will be going again with all my family again.

This was going to be a trial run of sorts and you know what... It was surprisingly successful!!

I was amazed at how well she did. That does not mean in any way that we did not have freak outs and tears and even a bite first thing that still has yet to fade on my arm!

But it means I didn't cry! I made it through the day and we actually had a good time!

Melia loved the swings

Mckenna was such a wonderful helper

The boys just hanging out in the strollers

Mmmmmmm cotton candy!